i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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