My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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