i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
