I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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