So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize