I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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