does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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