Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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