why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
