Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
