You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
