you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
