I'm gonna have a badass scar
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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