well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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