just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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