My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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