I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You may now shotgun with the bride
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
