Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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