i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
