Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
