Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
