Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize