I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
