I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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