I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
