he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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