i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
