I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
