i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
