We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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