im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
