Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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