honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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