My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
is wine microwaveable?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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