i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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