non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
