already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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