My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
