call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
