he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
