Sorry, I don't speak sober.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
