I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
