Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
