508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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