i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Randomize
