The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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