meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Randomize