I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
