You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
