my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
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