I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
