I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
