May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
