Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
