If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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