You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hippo gnu deer
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize