Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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