I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
